sensation of a soul

Alma Mater

2012-01-24T22:45:00.005-05:00

time flies when you are amused and consumed.

four years ago i had long hair when i started my university years in the states. on the first night there i was trying to digest the fact that i'm going to be away from all the good food friends and family. i was in a small stuffy room and couldn't get over the bareness of the wall while fighting jetlag. the light was dim that i could be mistaken as a ghost if i stood in front of the mirror. funny how 1428409235794767946 people exist in the world and you still feel lonely. things eventually got better afterwards.

i hated the stress of having to complete the assignments but i love my school. i found bestfriends. i found someone who i can trust. i found closest friend who i can talk about anything during the long winding trip between workplace and home. i know where to get good food and where to go if i ever needed solace. i build my passion in running and reading. i got the best lab partner ever.

on the last night in my university, i took a stroll along the downtown with my roommate and we had sushi afterwards as our last dinner in happy valley. despite torrents of mishaps and unfortunate events that were pelted throughout those years, it made who i am today. yesterday a close friend said that our university years are like dreams. i silently agree with that; the yellowish brownish leaves fallen from trees in the fall, the dreamy snow and the hardships of becoming immigrant was once a dream, perhaps the one that came true. old times.

talking about the old times, i kinda miss my lab partner.

how are you doing darling?

Boom boom. Even brighter than the moon moon

2012-01-03T21:53:00.004-05:00

a quiet night, celebrated new year in the car on the bridge hoping for some grand fireworks like the one they have in sydney. nada. drove to work on the first working day of the new cycle of three hundred and sixty five days thinking on how/what should i do to make me fall in love with what i am currently doing. i favor work that can be pregnant with a lot of thinking. not even a hot office romance could convince me that getting paid by your attendance is worth it.

last year was great, young and long. traveled to many places; monte carlo, nice, cannes, valencia, granada, seville, cordoba, poitiers, marseille, malaga. i'd like this year to be katy perry; fun & colorful.

I smoke my Camel Straights

2011-12-22T20:25:00.001-05:00

“There’s no point to any of this. It’s all just a… a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know… a Quarter-Pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter become a cackle… and I, I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.”

Troy Dyer, played by Ethan Hawke.

Reality Bites (1994)

Noon Coffee

2011-12-07T05:00:00.000-05:00

it's technically winter in the town i used to live in, usually frozen like an ice pop. first it rained then it snowed then everything becomes white then i'll be listening to the thawing machine in the breaking dawn. mutually in the hemisphere i'm living in, it gets cold these days even more so in the office. rainy days always begged me for some good food along with she & him played over the length of my body like silk blanket. rainy days begged me to stay inside and curl up in my duvet.

this noon, a cup of coffee keeps me awake in the office.

Moves Like Jagger

2011-12-01T21:29:00.001-05:00

as of now, i'm committing a nomadic life. i don't have a proper space yet where i can proudly called a place. my clothes, shoes and jeans are all over, sometimes were squeezed in my car boot-the quick fix solution to my closet-less. i'm no longer in a tower next to ikea. truth to be told i can hardly keep up with my own life as it changes/moves rapidly like how fast cells divide and grow uncontrollably to form malignant tumors. there are so many things happened in the last quarter of my two thousand eleven. i wish we could find some time to sit and just talk and talk.

other than that, i'm seeking the solace of my new working environment, in which currently under the same building with our prime minister. it's pretty much too early to say anything. on the other note, these days i miss having my workout routines; the luxury of having the facilities and time to run or cycle and sweat. one of the songs that i always listen to whenever i hit the treadmill is waiting for the end from linkin park. never fail to keep me going.

right now, i'm staring blankly at my name tag and thinking of places to go for a holiday, what to eat for lunch, january, apartment hunting, how Aaron Aziz can be so magnetizing, why the pace in this office is slow, tonight's plan and yada yada.

well the things you think about on a Friday morning.

Vanilla Sky

2011-10-24T04:01:00.004-04:00

i would opt to be a lawyer, given the opportunity to live another life.

September

2011-09-24T11:00:00.004-04:00

weekend & food

A little Insight

2011-09-21T10:22:00.002-04:00

it didn't start with a proper introduction like hello as it was all very much impromptu. i wish i can exchange my mind with a lawyer so i would think fast and give reasoning accurately. makes me wonder how lawyers think. in the meeting room we were forced (required would be a better word) to think (out of the box most of the time) for five hours half of that was done while standing. if it was something continuous, i would've appreciate the littlest form of happiness like a candy bar more often. so i was questioned like a murderer in the jail, okay that might sound scary. maybe more like when you're in a debate team and your team is about to lose and you try to defend the team with your baseless arguments. given you had no precise information and had to make up some facts. easy win for the opponents. that's just a little insight of what happened last few days. i'm keeping my fingers crossed. i hope fate won't be that cruel though.

Happy Ice Cream Cake to You

2011-09-20T10:36:00.010-04:00

last time we celebrated my birthday together was five years ago. the rest were just wishes over the phone or birthday parcels in front of my apartment door. this time since our distance is almost zero, a baskin robbins ice cream cake and a lunch for two at sushi king made my day.nothing else. no one else.

happy belated birthday.
thank you bestfriend/boyfriend.

Raya

2011-09-12T08:35:00.020-04:00

Some personal pictures I seldom share. Cheers

Lilac

2011-08-21T13:33:00.003-04:00

only a narrow-minded, lack of knowledge like you will speak sarcasm like that, on the first meeting. thank you

Cute

2011-08-19T14:00:00.000-04:00

talk about ignorance is a bliss.

via catsthattalk.

Eff

2011-08-18T15:30:00.004-04:00

i know you have moved on. or maybe you didn't, you just pretend like you did. from now on i'm going to be your silent shadow. i took all the time in this world while driving this morning to finally made up my mind. hard but not the hardest.

come september it's roller coaster time, baby. surely one hella ride but i made a promise to myself. i'm not a delicate flower.

Straight Forward

2011-08-16T14:38:00.003-04:00

five years ago, i mulled over the events of choosing my after-school path. i was in dilemma to go for petronas or jpa scholarship and there i went asking the only one which one's better through istikharah and there he replied by giving me the visions. i figured the signs were quite vivid through the dreams of me registered as a student, carrying a bag with a large petronas logo printed on it. in the meantime, i have a strong feeling to go for the latter so there i went against the sign. decisions made even i know i don't have a heart in biology but the 18 years old me begged for a try. if the dreams i had that night was really the sign from him, i'd like to see where the other path will lead me to. talking about perhaps,i'll work in the twin towers.

sometimes i wonder how to read the signs given from him. some says from the dreams while others say from the gut that tells. it is confusing reading the message from your dreams. sometimes you remember the details, sometimes you don't. sometimes it's vivid like the full moon in the dark night, other times it's hazy like a foggy morning.

this time, i mulled over the events of choosing a career path. living with fake passion isn't a good idea. they say you got two options; try to convert your fake passion into a real one, or quit and try something else. i'm about to commit the latter. unlike five years ago, i'm gonna let him lead this time.

One Two Three.

2011-08-10T14:55:00.009-04:00

Random thoughts.
One. Yutaka Takenouchi used to be my high-school crush for few years.
Two. Bercinta aku mahu, tapi tidak denganmu. Ku sudah ada satu, kekasih yang menunggu.
Three. Christina Perri & Coldplay can be mutual in Arms.

Pictures.
One. My room at home. The teddy bear isn't mine.
Two. i am mobile and finally said hello to the F21 stripes dress i bought long time ago.
Three. at night on my way back from pizza hut.

Define You

2011-08-05T12:40:00.001-04:00

in one of the interviews, i was asked if i were a car what would i be and why. i said i'd be an Audi. luxury, soft and comfortable inside, visually sturdy and elegant.

and most importantly, only few can afford.

Simple Living

2011-08-03T23:26:00.006-04:00

i lied about getting converse shoes for the first paycheck. i made an attempt but i bought a book instead; The Walk from Richard Paul Evans and read almost half of it while waiting for my late night Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, in front of an untouched cheese cake. it's a good book triggering mind on what to do if you lost almost everything at one time. go read.

on the approach of august, my mornings became unusual. i took the road less traveled, i chose to go against concentration gradient. i sprawled across the floor effortlessly, busy catching train no more. no longer dragged myself out of bed, pants-less. only panties would do then i listened to adele and danced to katy perry, aimlessly walked on air with john mayer and chris martin. then i tweeted then i talked on the phone then i drank minerals then i went out for a date then i watched movies then i met some friends then i shopped then i wrote. it is a temporary heaven. living life like this for a short period of time is orgasmic;it doesn't last long but ze feeling is inexplicably sensational.

Of Pants and Blazer.

2011-07-20T11:15:00.004-04:00

this is where i go everyday for the past one month. i'm now an official train zombie, commuting by lrt to work. working doesn't feel like it is when you're in a team with cool & happening colleagues. lame, first day was always the hardest and ironically i'm planning of getting a grey converse shoes for my first paycheck, not that i'm going to wear that to work.

hell yes there's a turbulence of changes in my life for the past one month. finding a nest to nestle was prolly the hardest thing. i'm that close to giving up. thank you to all of the beautiful souls that helped. praise to god now that everything fall slowly into places. my words, don't be afraid of making moves in your life cause along the way, god will let you meet with all those amazing, kind hearted people to ease your way.

Stagnant

2011-06-26T12:21:00.001-04:00

we met swiftly one quaint evening. you was wearing a black shirt and blue jeans, standing among the crowds with puffy smokes coming from your mouth and nose. despite the shadows, noises and heat, you caught my eyes instantly. i could feel the familiarity lingering in the air between us.

there you sat. there i sat across you as your fingers walked through your black hair. the subtle smile you had when you saw me, the soft-whisper voice that comes out in the small moments of the nights when we lay looking up to the stars, the ramblings about dreams. everything about you is magical. i don't know if you ever notice me sitting half an hour across looking at you, i just couldn't take my eyes off you. weird but i could picture living a life with you. then you stood up, catching your plane home.

there i realized life is a joke. when you meet your love, too bad he's always on the other side. sitting on the other side of the terminal, staying on the other side of the world, working on the other side of the country. untouchable. unreachable. barely breathing the same air.

Party in My Head

2011-06-21T10:51:00.006-04:00

was browsing through the newspaper this morning and saw Scha-Alyahya, the Malaysian local actress with her accessories booth something called Schapaholic? i don't know if it's from her personal collection or just something re-branding. i was like, damn it's fucking easy for her, or any other celebrities for that matter- to change into a whole new career prospect in a split second and make huge profits. one day you can be an actress and the next year, you'll be a restaurant owner, or a fashion designer, model, singer, spokesperson, chef ; all are interchangeable at one time. all you gotta do is just hit up the glamorous world and bing! all of your ambitions when you're at 10 or 15 will fall right in front of your eyes.

who says life's fair? if i were a celebrity in Hollywood, let's say an actress, i'd design clothes. who cares if i don't have a degree in fashion from Paris or Milan? nobody will question. wearing me is something my fans would be proud of. next, i'd come up with my own line of perfumes and name them as Cherry Bomb, Flirty Daisy or Vanilla High. who cares if the names sound wrong or cheap? all they care is wanting to smell like me. i'd prolly open a restaurant or a cafe and sell cute cupcakes for 3 dollar or rm5 each along with the napkin and my signature on it to my first 100 fans/customers or i would prolly come up with a cooking book, despite my lack of knowledge in cooking.

i would surely be having the time of my life changing professions i could ever imagine. fuck all the degree, certificates or experiences.that's basically what you got behind a big name.

alas, i'm nobody.

Inamorata

2011-06-19T09:41:00.000-04:00

if there is one thing i miss lately is the absence of stress and workloads. few months back when i was struggling with chemistry lab and reports, the thought of missing them someday sometimes came into mind. i'm not crazy, of course i don't wish them to happen now. missing happened when you acknowledge the absence, whether you want it back in your life is a whole different story. i'd love to have them back but frankly speaking, this is just not the right time. i like how the assignments, tests and reports governed my life when i was a student. damn i felt old typing "was a student".

so i reminisced. the whole idea of reminiscing made me a time traveler. when i reminisced, it's like i'm trapped in a cocoon and floated up into the atmosphere. when the cocoon explode and burst from every angle, i stood back into reality thankful for not being naked unlike any other time traveler. on the other note, despite not being a student, i haven't had enough time to write here. well that's what happened when your real life is much more interesting than a cyberspace.

Head Traffic

2011-05-31T22:21:00.002-04:00

In less than 12 hours, I'll be leaving US for good.

The feeling is inexplicable, knowing the fact that starting tomorrow everything will be different.

New York I'll be missing you.

2011-05-20T13:51:00.012-04:00

How do you keep memories?

Vibes

2011-05-14T22:24:00.002-04:00

So today I graduated. I'm now a proud Penn State alum.

Hello reality, it's not really nice to meet you.

Daffodils

2011-04-24T03:14:00.001-04:00

the first person i would tell everything to is you. because i know my secrets will be safe and sound with you, like a talking diary sealed with trust and love. we started off like a separate mixture of oil and water in a jar, seven years ago. then we become so familiar like a peanut butter and jelly in a sandwich. i couldn't thank you enough for the moment we have now where the pattern of goodbye is to see each other again every day. i am so happy to see you happy as they say, happiness is only real when shared. few more hours till i see your smile.

Meanings

2011-04-19T23:56:00.000-04:00

stereotyping. impression. judgment. sensitivity.

think of their meanings and you'll get what i mean.

Turning point.

2011-04-10T01:43:00.002-04:00

i used to read somewhere that the advantage of having a tower in a hustle and bustle city is to guide/prevent tourists from being lost. the idea is when you're lost in the city, you just have to walk to the tower and start your journey again. it's like the starting point for many lost tourists.

tower to me is a symbolic of hope. there's one night when i was in a train ride in Paris and felt very inspired looking at the lights coming from Eiffel. i was blown away by the sight. the sparks bring hope and there are countless time i felt very motivated by just looking at it. if i made a good living one day, i would like to have a house in the city overlooking the tower; if that's what gonna keep me going each day.

i owe the train ride to Paris a thank you note and i owe the man sitting next to me at that moment a future. the combination of both makes Paris appeared so magical to me. or maybe it's not the city, it's what happened in the city that count. let me tell you what happened. well, have you ever come across the moment when you thought to yourself, and figured your turning point? like you know, this is it. and suddenly you realize your whole vision changed? it's in the city, where i figured my turning point.

paris to me is not romantic. it's inspiring and very sensational.

Everywhere.

2011-04-05T00:36:00.002-04:00

i learned that everything we had is borrowed, let it be the sight, feelings or car.

thanks for making me understand. finally.

The power of believing

2011-03-24T20:07:00.003-04:00

two weeks immediately upon the arrival of winter, i discovered her through jar of hearts and for the past few weeks, i've been listening to arms, heart for sale, bluebird, i will and tragedy. then i discovered that she writes. reading her, i found she's very inspiring. she made her dreams came true. jar of hearts went platinum.

"one year ago today i was in philadelphia. i was visiting my parents for christmas. i had a plane ticket back to los angeles on the 5th of january and no reason to go. i had no job in LA. not a cent in my bank account. not an ounce of motivation."

"but then something happened.everything on my list came true. was it because i was in the right places at the right times and knew the right people who directed me to the other right people? i dont know.was it because i was broke out of 'safe' and went back to the scary land where i had no idea what was going to happen, but believed that i was going to be okay? i dont know. was it because i did everything everyone suggested i do, because what i had to lose? i dont know. was it fate? pre-destined? or just luck?"

i will never know.

but what i DO know is that i made a list.
i said it, i wrote it, and i believed it.

-via Christina Perri.

Ain't easy

2011-03-21T16:49:00.002-04:00

the idea is simple.

try to embrace the imperfections.

but simple, doesn't always mean easy.

True Blue

2011-03-20T15:30:00.002-04:00

sometimes in life, you don't need more time. you just have to decide.

most people find it hard to make decisions even if deep inside the heart they know what they're going to choose. uncertainty scares most of us. people hate living in doubt but when you started digging the uncertainty, you'll develop a great instinct.

needing more time is just an excuse cause in the end choices must be made, no matter if it took you a day, a week, a month or a year to think. does it make any difference? time after all is not proportional to the choices made.

so why not take your stand today.decide what you have to decide and be firm with your decision. do it now.

Starlight.

2011-03-19T02:05:00.007-04:00

realization hits you at strange moments; when you're ordering your frappuccino at starbucks, when you've been busy hanging out with friends, when you're at mcdonalds or in a toilet. this thing that i got in my mind isn't what i planned for. two months to graduation, i think i started to see, or at least know and realize what i want in my life.

i'm in no hurry for a job. i don't want to wake up early and go to work, get the job done, go home for some sleep and wake up again for another loop of god knows for how many years with a paycheck that's not worth your job at the end of every month. having to wake up early is not the issue. it's what you got for what you've worked for that i'm talking here. a car and a house come along the way with debts. then you'll be in a rat chase waiting for paycheck every month just to pay the bills and some leftover for food and clothes. same thing again. it's like a dot where you draw a circle. endless. in the end, ask yourself is it worth it. well if you read "Rich Dad,Poor Dad", you know what i'm trying to convey here. if you haven't, you might want to start read it today. it's a good book.

enough of talking about what's after graduation as everybody have their own plans anyway. but i will never stop to say that i'm stoked to graduate. so long biology, hello new life slash reality.i feel like a newborn.

"if you want to succeed at anything, you must give it your everything"- Vince Lombardi

Really.

2011-03-14T00:05:00.000-04:00

having the knowledge about something and having gone through it are two different things.

You bring me here.

2011-03-10T12:36:00.000-05:00

Southern France, Winter 2010

Private.

2011-03-03T23:30:00.003-05:00

Hello March.

I've been very busy with life.

I don't read while traveling.

2011-02-14T01:58:00.001-05:00

sans the bald head and orange robe, i am the monk in my own cave given a book. the whole idea of this book-blanket awed me.

What's in your pocket?

2011-02-11T01:38:00.002-05:00

that's the figure of my steam distillation set-up i drew while i was bored to death waiting for my cloves to distillate. everything is out of proportion. i never thought i finally said this but i'm stoked to graduate. i just want to get over this even when i know i'm going to miss college life.

i came home today unmotivated. lucky i got few fluffy pillows i can chew when times like that popped. haven't you heard fluffy furs can absorb stress. i guess that's the logic behind the relationship of human,cats and dogs. i did a lot of thinking lately. stuff that hits you upon graduation. things like that. i want my life not to be just a collection of tedious hours. i want to breath, to live. i got plans in my handbag but you know plan is just a plan until you make the move.

and that's what excruciating me. the move.

What happened in a bedroom

2011-02-08T02:54:00.002-05:00

i should've sleep by now. it's almost 3am and i've class at 8 the next morning. my whole life, i don't like the idea of going to sleep. it makes me stiff and tangle on a rectangle space human being called bed. i wish my bed is spinning, just like the bed in the future room in Blue Valentine. the bed looks fun though despite the air of coldness blown by Michelle Williams. if i were her, i would've jump on the bed the moment i open the door.

i like the idea of falling asleep. falling asleep happens for you, unplanned as opposed to going to bed. it is sleeping while you're watching Man vs Food, on a sofa on a Saturday evening, in a train ride from Manhattan to New Jersey, on a phone call with a boyfriend, in a flight from New York to Monaco. falling asleep is sleeping until you wake up to the sound of your roomate's Metal playlist or to the sun that's assaulting your eyes and raping your cheek.

going to bed requires mental readiness. it's fake as you force your body to slumber and it didn't just happened. it happened because you make it happen.waking up to an alarm clock is no fun. i'm not a fan. but my alarm's going to ring at 7am anyway. guess i'm going to wake up sleepy and fall asleep in my chemistry class. hope you fall asleep well tonight.

Hari-hari kerja

2011-02-06T18:18:00.003-05:00

ada benda yang maybe selalu ada bila kita susah, senang. tak kisah la kalaupun benda tu cuma sepasang kasut buruk. tapi biasalah lumrah kalau nama manusia, benda yang selalu ada depan mata mana nak peduli. even if it's always there through thick and thin. bila benda tu dah tak ada, mulalah sibuk nak susah hati.

sekarang tukar semua perkataan benda dalam ayat jadi seseorang.

Theatre of Life

2011-01-31T19:30:00.001-05:00

if you've been reading my blog religiously for the past few years, you know i didn't write my everyday shits here. i mean i didn't write about what i do everyday, what color of my shit today, what i wear daily and what i just ate.

i write only 5% of my life here.

if i write a story, it is not necessarily my story. i write what i saw on the street, it might be something which come down from my imagination or my dreams and the previous entry that i wrote, it was not my story. the guy wasn't my boyfriend and it wasn't me driving the car, that was just my imagination. just for some clarifications.

it's like directing a movie. the story doesn't have to be yours but your imagination might be someone else's real story. i hope i made it clear.

Ain't mine, might be yours.

2011-01-28T01:22:00.004-05:00

i stopped at a traffic light. he was driving behind me and from the rear mirror, i could see that he was laughing. he must have had a good time and that was the first time i saw him together with her.

i've known him forever. she might not know how he didn't favor coffee for breakfast. i know how he always like the idea of getting up early and stand in the balcony just for a sip of the fresh morning air, how he would hang his every single clothes according to the color. he's detailed like that. in my defense, i'd say she might not know cause she's someone new.if i were in a liquid form, i would probably evaporated right at that time.

we were just fine. the last time i saw him, he left a note on my table. "people say you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Truth is, you knew what you had. You just thought you'd never lose it."; his own way of saying me taking things for granted, taking him for granted. My own way of saying he's seeing someone else.

when the lights turned green, i took a right turn. he drove straight.

his happiness now feels like a betrayal.

Waiting for Superman

2011-01-24T16:25:00.000-05:00

Laid-back Monday, downtown State College Pennsylvania.

Perempuan Macho

2011-01-21T00:39:00.000-05:00

dah nak masuk tiga tahun. everything's at home seems to move very fast. i could hardly catch up. kalau dah duduk jauh beribu batu, you'll miss some important occasions in your family. cousin paling rapat bertunang chinese new year ni. congrats abang faiz. and one of my cousins was diagnosed with leukemia, final stage. i was taken aback as i thought everything was okay. hospitalized now and please pray for his speed recovery.

siapa kata jarak tak bagi kesan pada sesuatu hubungan memang penipu besar. as a sister, i'm a failure. i wasn't there when my sister first fall in love. when she first had her period pain. she hardly talk to me and that makes me feel sad, and bad too. i was overwhelmed. it's frustrating having to see her being all happy with her friends but hardly utter a word when she's with me. you know what i mean.

aku memang salahkan jarak dalam kes ni sebab dalam 365 hari, aku jumpa dia 5-6 kali je.

sepanjang hampir tiga tahun, banyak occasion kat rumah yang aku miss. birthday aku tahun lepas, nenek meninggal on the same date. tak jejak pun lagi kubur arwah. birthday adik-beradik semua memang tak pernah dapat celebrate sama-sama. dengan kawan-kawan pun jumpa time balik summer je. raya tak payah cakap la memang good bye la lemang. yang paling sedih, mama abah sakit pun tak dapat nak jaga. cuma dapat doa dari jauh. kalau dalam family rasa macam terlalu lagging.

i guess that's the price i have to pay; for living too far.

tapi takpe you jangan risau, i kental. i perempuan macho. walaupun sekali sekala i nangis jugak dalam comforter.

Feeling tourist.

2011-01-20T19:30:00.004-05:00

balik kelas yoga, snow turun. dulu masa duduk Malaysia, ingatkan snow turun bulat-bulat dari langit. bila dah duduk US, baru tau snow turun bentuk bunga atau snowflakes sama seperti dalam gambar, thanks to google. they're beautiful especially if the snowflakes stuck on your hair or clothes.

when it's snowing, the night sky will turn into light reddish and it's very pretty.
this winter is going to be my last winter. as in next time, maybe it's going to be a winter for a tourist. maybe masa tu baru sibuk nak buat snow man.

so everybody let's go sledding/snowboarding/snowtubing/skiing!

Young lover in a train.

2011-01-19T02:30:00.000-05:00

lima hari selepas new year. dalam train ke kota romantik dunia.
i was sitting next to a guy. i don't usually talk to strangers. but started with a hai,masing-masing mula cakap tentang diri masing-masing. tentang masalah dunia. tentang masalah personal. tentang future. tentang family. tentang places. tentang travel. we talked and talked. sometimes he laughed hearing my stupid jokes.

he's nice, we clicked right away. i felt like i've known him forever.
dia lagi menarik dari buku-buku Jeffrey Archer. he makes me think more than Jeffrey did. tak kisah kalau dalam dunia ni aku seorang je fikir macam tu tentang dia. he stimulated my brain.

tak tahu bila lagi boleh jumpa mamat tu. he told me he might come to my graduation and i know he will. datang cepat please, aku rindu. i'm glad i was sitting next to him, in a train that brought us to paris.

he made me a lover.

Proses Penuaan.

2011-01-18T11:57:00.000-05:00

seronoknya kalau balik rumah ada bubble bath macam ni.

As for now.

2011-01-12T15:53:00.001-05:00

two thousand ten was a bowl of salad mixed with pecans, spring mix, cranberries and eggs topped with italian dressing. a little bit of everything which i favor and i don't but still taste good. it had a great ending i must say but when january 1st approached, i was mentally not ready for a new year. i figured new year is basically just a point where people make new resolutions, towards better of course and that's it. well that's just my whole definition of new year.

this year is about hardcore independent i believe. when june approaches, i'll be out of my comfort zone and that's when reality will start to kick in. my last semester here in penn state started this week and i'm slowly gearing up for it. i started working again, at a new place. i like this place more than the previous one for no specific reason.

i only have classes on tuesday and thursday,stay in the same apartment with the same roomates,still go to the gym to kill my free time.

so that's about it.

Hop onto a plane.

2010-12-29T14:34:00.007-05:00

so where have i been?

traveled across the Atlantic ocean, if that explains my absence. everything about traveling is great. the only part that sucks is how i long for a sleep on my bed, and that's just it. want to catch a breath now, will write later.

One Two Three

2010-12-16T18:21:00.007-05:00

Cheesecake in less than 10 minutes.

Illusions

2010-12-13T03:02:00.002-05:00

Imagine aku tvmu.Transmissionku terbit untukmu.Dramaku produk khas siaranmu.Trans-sonet gelora satelit cinta.

Imagine aku radiomu.
Intermissionku orbit untukmu.

Never Alone

2010-12-12T02:46:00.006-05:00

when this whole town sleeps, alone i lie awake. it's more than just one night. i let my thoughts wander to the streets i walk everyday, to the other part of the world, to my room back at home. at times like these, wrapped in this thick comforter, i wonder how homeless people survived cold winter nights. at times like these, i wonder what mom cooked for lunch and whether he's already up and shaved.

it's night here in the Eastern US but i know it's morning and afternoon somewhere else around the globe. almost everybody is sleeping in this little town right now. but i know somewhere else around the globe, people are rushing to work.

so i guess i'm pretty much not alone

Live like you're dying.

2010-12-11T03:10:00.007-05:00

Her name is Katie Kirkpatrick , 21 yrs old.
Next to her is her fiancé, Nick, 23.

This picture was taken prior to their wedding January 11th, 2005.

Katie has terminal cancer and spends hours in chemotherapy.Here Nick awaits while she finishes one of the sessions.

Even in pain and dealing with her organs shutting down, with the help of morphine, Katie took care of every single part of the wedding planning.

Her dress had to be adjusted several times due to Katie’s constant weight loss.

An expected guest was her oxygen tank. Katie had to use it during the ceremony and reception.

The other couple in this picture is Nick’s parents, very emotional with the wedding and of course to see their son marrying the girl he fell in love with when he was an adolescent.

Katie, in a wheel chair, listening to her husband and friends singing to her.

In the middle of the party, Katie had to rest for a bit to catch her breath.

The pain does not allow her to stand for a long period of time.

Katie died 5 days after her wedding.

To see a fragile woman dress as a bride with a beautiful smile makes you think, happiness is always there within reach, no matter how long it lasts.

Life is short. So love without boundaries. Laugh without control. Live like it’s heaven on earth.

-lenaalovee.tumblr.com: This is Love.

Milky Way

2010-12-10T02:30:00.003-05:00

i have never had a hard time writing an entry as i do now.

it was snowing last night and in the morning, i was greeted with a white-canvas view outside my apartment window. i like snow only for the first few days when they're still white. they're undeniably beautiful but when i got three months of them where they eventually started to turn grey and slippery, that's when i know i had enough.

i haven't told you anything about Boston, the largest city in Massachusetts, the city i visited last few weeks. we went to Quincy Market which reminded me of pasar malam that the only difference is it's inside a building and of course the price, which in dollar. we walked towards the end of the market twice contemplating on what to eat due to huge choices of food. that's a brief of quincy.

what i remember most about the city was its amazing view from MIT across Charles River. we went to the harbor at dusk when the sun was about to set and it was the most memorable urban sunset watching ever, if there's such a term. one night on the trip, we were dining at a KFC in Brooklyn and i finished off three chicken in a row unsure if i was that hungry or the chicken tasted so good or if it's just me being greedy since it felt so long since i ate a fried chicken. one day we drove all the way from New Jersey to Philly just for a lunch at Warong Surabaya, an Indonesian restaurant and had turkey on thanksgiving eve followed by teh tarik and abc few hours later at Banana Leaf, a Malaysian restaurant.

i figured my appetite increase while traveling.

Not worth reading.

2010-11-28T13:37:00.000-05:00

i'm home and in two weeks i'll be gone again.

this time after two years, it would be Bonjour again.

Getaway

2010-11-19T20:43:00.002-05:00

i'm packing for a place where everybody knows your name, Boston and a small visit to New Hampshire. will be heading to New York as well. now that i realize how i miss Big Apple.

Adios my beloved sweet small town.

What makes you a fighter.

2010-11-18T02:50:00.007-05:00

you know you're a fighter when in the small hours of dusk, you return to the arms of your creator. you know you're a fighter when, upon seeing an ex-lover with someone else, you're not envious for the happiness they embrace. you let go all the unnecessary grudges that you might hold for years. you know you're a fighter when you go to your early morning class every single day during winter, even when it's snowing hard.

i believe you're a fighter but maybe along the way, you forget that you're born that way. while staring out in the darkness, you wonder why it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to be. you wonder where you did wrong. you started losing hope. you felt small. bad. useless.

at times like that, remind yourself that once upon a time, when the sun was still shining and the skies were way clearer, you had won this. you had felt the glory. it's okay if there's thunder, or rain sometimes. cause somehow, somewhere along the way you may see rainbow's waiting that despite all the flaws and unfortunate events, you manage to stand strong. as cliche as it sounds, that's the ugly truth.

i know you're a fighter cause you have no idea how you've become my pillar, my anchor, my strength, my hope and you have no idea how your existence in this world blow my whole universe.

please don't give up.

What's the worse that could happen?

2010-11-14T13:54:00.000-05:00

Kepada yang belum tengok cerita "Splice", silalah tengok. Bikin gua mual sepanjang malam. Bikin gua rasa Biotech cool gila.

Triangle

2010-11-10T22:08:00.000-05:00

workaholic, morning air, Audi A4 and you.

my definition of sexy.

Karma

2010-11-08T18:21:00.008-05:00

How old you gotta be before you can be considered as a grown up? is it at 18 when you start moving out of the house? at 22 when you finish your education or at 23 or 24 when you start getting a job and pay your own bills? or at a point when you get married?

i've been pondering about this for quite sometime. maybe it's at a point when you can take a decision without having to think too much of the risks you're gonna take. or at a point where you can show your parents that you're responsible and are able to handle more freedom.

now that i hit 22; i live on my own, i pay my own bills, i buy my own groceries, i clean my own apartment. i figured i'd like to give myself permission to seek more freedom. to hop onto a plane and go to places i always wanted to go. to travel and not to worry about the future. cause i know, sometimes i gotta let loose once in while. rigid is boring. sounds simple, i wish it is.

i will regret the chances i don't take,the places i choose not to go,the love i don't fight enough, just because i am a firm believer of karma.hell yeah it sucks.

Last Tango

2010-11-02T22:13:00.001-04:00

Nate: You said you never felt this way about anyone before. Was that true?
Vanessa: Does it matter?
Nate: Okay, listen. After all we've been through, when you walked away tonight, all I could think was, " She's the one I want to be with". So yeah, it matters.

Gossip Girl, It's A Wonderful Lie

In Blackeys.

2010-11-01T00:00:00.000-04:00

my typical sunday that went on without a slight bent line.

Calling you

2010-10-31T03:31:00.008-04:00

just like music, running heals me. figuratively, literally, i need to run. away from my belly fats, from things you said. i don't care spending all day on a treadmill if that's my only cure. i'd do it.

Wondering You

2010-10-30T03:30:00.003-04:00

no matter how disillusioned i might be, i figured we're just too casual.

i wonder if you still read books while traveling. i wonder if you still keep the subway maps of the cities you've been. i wonder if you still find it difficult to sleep in a flight. i wonder what you're doing and where you're going. i wonder if you're smiling or if there's something bothering you. i wonder how your day has been, like if it's okay or not okay. i wonder of the littlest thing about you.

my thoughts somehow are always with you. i wonder if the thoughts of me come crashing your mind too.

i know i'm far from being vulnerable.
and no matter how disillusioned i might be, i'll wait for you.

Paranormal

2010-10-24T15:43:00.003-04:00

everyone must've experienced this; losing focus when your bladder is about to erupt.

the climax of paranormal activity 2 was just at the same time with the maximum capacity of my bladder. and i was sitting in the middle, uppermost row in the cinema. i swear it was such a distraction. pee in the pants while watching scary movies? oh please.

personally. the sequel was better, packed with actions and suspense. some tricks were just repetitions from the first like how bedroom door suddenly moved by itself but some new tricks were added too, so it's kinda exciting. the twist they made to create a connection between paranormal 1 and 2 somehow amazed me.

tapi cerita hantu jenis begini gagal buat saya rasa takut pada skala yang hebat. mungkin sebab saya jenis yang tengok cerita hantu yang nampak rupa bentuk muka segala tentang hantu itu baru rasa takut.

so that was my friday, an escape from bad traffic that dominates my schedule.

You know better.

2010-10-22T19:57:00.000-04:00

the days come and go like the cars on the road and it's now october. few months to graduation. time flies like dandelions blown by the wind; slow and beautiful.

hidup. jangan terlalu dibayangi dengan kehidupan orang lain. if i drive a Volkswagen doesn't mean you have to drive one too.

sebab kita semua berbeza. rezeki tuhan bagi ada dimana-mana, untuk sesiapa saja. sebab bumi ini terlalu luas, dan lebih dari cukup untuk kita semua berhidup dengan sempurna. satu hari, pasti ada.

Al-Ra'd 13: 26, Al-Thalaq 65: 2,3

Colleagues

2010-10-21T23:11:00.001-04:00

the past few weeks, i've been at the lab working on protein expression analysis. the lab was fun because of the people, other than that it was just blergh. my teammates were those crazy heads who played with almost everything including pipette and went crazy taking pictures while waiting for the incubation.

came to think of it, i'd say people you see on a daily basis, or people whom you hang out or work with influenced you in so many ways you might not realize. i have a mixed feeling with working alone in the lab, or having to live alone. i love the solitude it offers but the loneliness that creeps on me is sometimes unbearable.

the detail sound of little things become something major; like the sound of water tapping from the bathroom, people walking on the hallway, or even the sound of bees mating. you hear everything you didn't hear with a partner.

and silence becomes a noise that will never end.

Spoiled Like That

2010-10-19T03:21:00.001-04:00

i hate talking on skype with headphone sticking on my head where i have to scream over my mic to make sure you hear me clear. it ruined my mood in seconds. i can be bitter like the coffee that greet you at 8am in the morning. i can be dull like a fading wallpaper. dusty.or some apple pie with no filling inside.

whenever i have this feeling, i feel like running. i don't care if it's now 3 effing am in the morning. i've started running and hitting the gym again. it's the best soul therapy ever besides yoga. i blend my hatred, anger, sadness, joy and happiness into sweats. it feels great.

or scratch all that, just give me a call. it's 814-441-_ _ _ _ anyway.boo skype boo.

A little sweetness in Downtown.

2010-10-16T02:19:00.007-04:00

Went to Sugar on Top. Ate Hello Grasshoppa. Happy.

Life Itinerary

2010-10-13T15:05:00.007-04:00

Friday: Suddenly felt like having a tattoo just like Russell Brand who got a Sanskrit inking under his arm which read Anuugacchati Pravaha, meaning 'Go with the flow'. Mine would prolly be 'Live Strong' at lower back of my waist or on my wrist.

Sabtu hari malas, hari main-main. Filled up the fridge with food and it looked like it's going to explode. Happy.

Plain Sunday

Monday was a busy day. i was running around the clock with 2 exams. Done for the day only at 9, at night.

Tuesday: kepada kamu yang tinggalnya hampir separuh diameter bumi dari saya, you didn't know how your tender care blew my whole universe, albeit how lousy i am as a partner.

Wednesday, my yoga instructor said something i thought was spiritually beautiful. "May i be safe, May i be happy, May i be healthy, May i live in peace". As we breath in and out, inhale ease, exhale all the pain and difficulties. No doubt yoga is great for soul therapy.

as i'm writing this down, i silently whisper them in my heart. i hope you too.

Soundtrack of you

2010-10-04T00:28:00.005-04:00

when i am in pieces, i listen to songs from my favorite band to heal, rock me. somebody who invented music must be a genius. it's the art of healing that amazed me in an unusual way.

sometimes i imagine dating a guitar. with a soft touch, with me being so close to him, i am melting like cheese in a microwave ; turning the cold me hot. The next thing i know, i'm falling hard for him.

i was at a concert last night and it felt like i'm finally breathing again.

Sweethearts.

2010-10-01T15:53:00.000-04:00

ada yang tak henti-henti berusaha walau tahu gadis atau jejaka idaman sudah berpunya. seteguh hati menolak, seteguh itu juga datang mencuba.

last night was sweet. saya tak punya banyak, tapi saya tahu yang saya punya itu equivalent to separuh nyawa. all without having to say a word, i am thankful and contented.

Virus Sosial

2010-09-26T00:50:00.002-04:00

pernah terasa hati atau marah pada seseorang sampai rasa mahu menangis?

saya pernah. berkali-kali. tapi tetap dengan orang yang sama. bertahun-tahun. tuhan temukan saya dengan dia, memang untuk uji sejauh mana kesabaran saya. kalau tak, mungkin saya tak tahu ada orang berperangai seperti itu dalam dunia.

yang jenis bagaimana?

yang jenis depan saya dia baik, tapi belakang saya, saya dikutuk kaw2. yang jenis depan saya, dikutuk orang lain. yang jenis depan orang lain, dikutuk orang-orang lain. yang jenis sanggup kutuk kawan baik sendiri. yang jenis begitu.

sebab dia, orang tukar pandangan terhadap saya. sebab dia, saya tukar pandangan terhadap orang lain. sebab dia, orang pandang serong terhadap saya. dan bila sekarang saya tahu cerita2 yang diumpat dibelakang saya, i think i can't even look at her face. begitu buruk saya diumpat dibelakang sebenarnya.

saya jarang marah orang, but sorry not this time. perasaan marah saya sekarang maha hebat muncul that i can cause a volcanic eruption. bukan niat saya untuk membenci atau berdendam. berkali-kali saya memaafkan, berkali-kali saya pujuk hati jangan simpan benci.untuk kali ini, saya tetap maafkan, saya buang rasa benci.cumanya mungkin jarak kita sekarang sejuta.saya doa dijauhkan berperangai seperti itu; mengumpat mencaci.saya doa juga moga-moga dia berubah.

trust me, i'm not usually emotional like this.

Heaven's gate.

2010-09-24T01:57:00.001-04:00

sebab semalam penuh negativity, let's start tomorrow with some love.

Years burnt.

2010-09-21T18:00:00.002-04:00

in the morning while brushing my teeth, i looked at myself in the mirror. i saw someone without passion or a girl with dreams trapped in a body of a coward. lucky i had foams in my mouth or i'd scream to my reflection. i envy people with dreams, who have a clear picture of what they wanted to be. when i sleep, i spread my arms and legs wide where i completely gave in and surrender. my body was sinking into my bed. it went floating too.

sleep: if that's my only definition of passion.

i hope not.

i know it's not.

Same thing everyday

2010-09-19T17:13:00.000-04:00

seriously i can die reading biology. can i wake up tomorrow and own a cafe or a Forever21 store?

Delete.

2010-09-18T18:21:00.003-04:00

i am a particle of dust blown by wind.

i've been asking myself where i can actually go and buy a bulk of memories. so they will stay. as some of them are now slowly fading. like the picture above, the memory of sinking into good books around campus while waiting for the next class will never exist, if the picture didn't exist.

on a personal note, i think the existence of internet life complicates thing. speculations were made, just because your relationship status on facebook is what, widowed? judgments were done solely based on your facebook status and profile.it was warmer back then when you actually have to meet, talk to people in person and ask how they're doing. life now is simply just one click away. so close and simple yet so far. sometimes what you see in the internet life might be a total different from what is happening. well done stalkers, for the speculations made.

saturated with technology, we became the audiences of other people's lives. no, we're actually the actors too. comparing each others life. leaving us sometimes unhappy with ours. the less you know, the better.

well i am a particle of dust, saturated with dusts.

Left on my birthday.

2010-09-14T00:35:00.001-04:00

i am being cliche. i wish i had more time to be with you. i started thinking the best thing about you. the moment when you favored me than the rest.

that's the thing when someone dies, cliche things happened. you wish you had spent more time, you started thinking of the best thing about the person, you remember the moment when the person favored you than the rest. i know i am being all cliche.

my grandma was sent to meet God last evening, on the day i turned 22. the last time i met her when i was about to leave Malaysia. i was in rush. i kissed her on the cheek without knowing that would be the very last farewell. the whole summer, i kept telling myself to spend more time with her. i think i failed. we didn't even get a chance for an iftar together.

that's the thing when someone dies, you think of things you want to do with the person. now with the person's gone, all you can do is hanging on to the best memories you both had and, cry. from now on, please show some love to your loved ones. cause that's the thing you'll forever regret when they're gone. cause that's the thing i forever regret, of not showing enough.

al-fatihah.may you rest in peace.

Lukis

2010-09-12T03:41:00.000-04:00

Sebab kita terasa hati dengan orang, sebab kita punya hati pada dia. Tak kisah lah pada kawan, keluarga, kekasih.

Stand by me.

2010-09-07T20:04:00.001-04:00

Meredith: (teary) " I always thought it would be me. I'd get Alzheimer's like my mother and forget everyone. Let's go to city hall tomorrow. I don't wanna spend another day not being married to you"

-Grey's Anatomy.

I will go down with this ship.

2010-09-04T12:32:00.005-04:00

i'm a week lagging behind from my uni schedule. everything that were supposed to be done last week were only finished this week. and i have just realized how amazingly dusty my keyboard is. it might be the same with the brain too. i know i'll be busy with school and i want to enjoy it because it'd be the last time i would be facing immense stress. so i think i'd better savor while it's lasting.

well hello united states again. almost everybody around me is talking about prospective jobs after graduation. am i the only one unsure of proceeding with a career out of my degree? i heard people talking about plans they've made for the next 5 years. of getting hitched, of starting a new life. am i the only one unsure of where life is heading?

time flies. it feels like this year is moving like a rocket that it was only yesterday i made a silent whisper of hopes, while Florida was sparkling with fireworks. no doubt a lot of things happened since then. i think that our mind tend to preoccupied with what's next. the years go by and all we're rushing for is to finish our never ending to do lists until we finally boarded on the exit door to meet God. ain't life would be a waste? spending your whole life thinking of what's next that we forgot to stop and enjoy the moment. what would be five years after will come finally.

i just want to enjoy this journey; which is now the present.

Sentences.

2010-09-03T02:16:00.001-04:00

it's a tad late but well, hello last year of biotech.

Last time i see you.

2010-08-27T23:38:00.006-04:00

they'll make me recall and remember. the grass always look greener on the other side, but the truth is, it's not. it's like when you're eating M&Ms and suddenly you see someone with a kitkat. you start to feel your colorful candies are nothing. it's like that.

i wave. to the precise absence of seconds updates and comfortability of being loved. but it's not hard to say good bye this time. it's just hard to admit that this overwhelming distance will create unconscious distance, unconsciously. i'm leaving for US tonight and i'll draw lines in the sky that are miles apart.

nobody likes saying goodbye. but for now, good bye it is.

College Life.

2010-08-24T11:58:00.003-04:00

Tahun 1 Freshman
hidup enjoy macam still dalam mood foundation year. hampir setiap weekend keluar beronggeng. study jadi benda paling last dalam list.

Tahun 2 Sophomore
tahun berdrama swasta. bagus juga ada fasa sebegini sebab masing-masing mula belajar cuba untuk jadi lebih baik. so it shall be called as tahun kematangan ataupun, tahun kemuncungan kuasa dua.

Tahun 3 Junior
saya tahu saya ada awesome housemates, darling girlfriends. dan yang utamanya, a happening year. saya mula sayang semua orang.

Tahun 4 Senior
tahun akhir hopefully we'll create as much memories as possible. tapi haruslah yang gembira je. dah nama pun senior year mestilah semua orang jangan ada gaduh-gaduh lagi. saya nak senyum je sepanjang tahun ni sampai tulang pipi jadi penat. wah gitu.

because i know one day i'm going to miss my college life.

Kau masih cantik seperti dulu.

2010-08-21T12:26:00.002-04:00

untuk setiap jarak yang diciptakan, setiap inci itu juga buat aku tidak keruan. pandang kiri kanan atas bawah depan belakang. dalam setiap medium. dalam setiap ruang. dalam setiap tarikan dan hembusan nafas.

maaflah, kerana aku tak nampak apa selain kau.

Life Angel

2010-08-20T13:19:00.001-04:00

i woke up to the sounds and smells of rain this morning. i like it when it's friday and raining, and cold. i snuggled under the plush and comfy comforter that i could barely drag myself out for a bath. washed by the heavy rain, the grass on the lawn looks greener, and happier. they must've been longing for the fresh beads that ran down from the clouds.

my nights were spent wandering around moon and stars. i drew lines of dreams in a shape of a rainbow. it was hazy. the dreams i drew. i miss being 17 when i was very focused that i could see where i stand for the next 2 or 3 years. i've been thinking of what happened to me. or what has changed me.

and i couldn't find a rigid answer.

Esok atau Lusa

2010-08-18T11:56:00.000-04:00

kepada sesiapa yang belum tengok ketika cinta bertasbih 1 dan 2, memang rugi. tentang jodoh, pertemuan. kagum aku rasakan kuasa tuhan dalam penetapan jodoh. di saat-saat yang tak pernah terduga itulah dipertemukan.

kepastian datang dalam bentuk satu ikatan sah. bukan bila aku cakap i love you and you said you love me too, and you started thinking he/she's the one. sebab hal urusan esok lusa itu tidak ada satu pun yang tahu.

segalanya, InsyaAllah.

Katil

2010-08-15T12:33:00.000-04:00

the purple bed screams romantic. and oh, meet adorable Alice my pet cat. hadiah harijadi ke 21 dari diri sendiri untuk diri sendiri. and the 3 polaroids on the bed are the DNA fragments from my experiment, for the lab reports along with the black file.

haven't slept on the bed for almost ninety nights. i'll be back in fourteen nights, baby.

Read Me

2010-08-14T11:30:00.000-04:00

hari ini kita panggil hari paling tamak. pergi bazar ramadhan rasa macam nak telan semua satu bazar. tapi last2 beli murtabak, kerabu mangga, air soya.

bulan puasa hidup jadi lebih tenang. kalau nak marah pun rasa malas sebab penat. sebab kalau nak marah kena guna banyak energy untuk cakap kuat2 dan buat muka menyampah. tapi my driving involves a lot of cursing today. agak mental la bila deal dengan orang2 yang tak reti sabar ni.

dan jujurnya, terawih malam tadi memang tak kusyuk langsung sebab panas gila rasa macam pergi sauna. mana nak fokus beb kalau baju basah berpeluh-peluh macam baru lepas marathon 7 round.

esok-pastinya cuba untuk yang lebih baik.

stop asking.

2010-08-13T04:56:00.001-04:00

i am more than ready to go. i feel the need of having my privacy and foreign currencies. without being bombarded with questions. i hate questions. especially those that are coming from you.

i wish you could just stop asking.

French Fries

2010-08-10T23:32:00.000-04:00

dua hari sebelum puasa. holy ramadhan everyone.

i know you'll read this.

2010-08-08T07:34:00.000-04:00

dia kata saya jalan laju. saya kata, persekitaran mengubah seseorang. dia cakap kasut perempuan selalu pelik. saya cakap, sebab perempuan itu makhluk tuhan yang unik.

and we talked about stupid things. cause we're good at it. thank you for the miles traveled just to see me. don't miss me much.

Now and Then

2010-08-05T10:38:00.006-04:00

London, winter.

i secretly admire the dreams he had for the future. "What is it in life that keeps you going?" he asked. i couldn't answer him. that's the thing i like about him, he got me thinking.

the moment he passionately told me about his dreams was the moment i dare to have a dream too.

he made a promise to wait for me at the airport when i landed in London, that we're going to take a stroll around Hyde Park and watched a match in Old Trafford. that was a rainy evening 5 years ago when we were both 17, talking about dreams to chase.

5 years later, he waited for me. we walked around the park except that we didn't watch a match at the stadium. it was once a dream. just today, as it was raining and i had my first sip of tea, i remembered how sure he was in making those dreams came true. it happened anyway. we walked. no, we actually ran our talk.

i told you, he has the magic wand.

Seep into me

2010-08-03T09:50:00.008-04:00

our history is a full-loaded washing machine that went on spinning and spinning. it blends colors. it changes red, pink, yellow and purple into white.

i remember the night when we were in the car, you're driving and i was looking out the window. the traffic was heavy. people rushed home. you told me you didn't see me trying, that you were the one who's been fighting. i went silent. i knew you knew i'll always do that. and i knew that you'll always hate it whenever i did that.

in my defense, it's not that i left you alone in the battlefield. i held the gun full with bullets but i pulled the trigger only when i felt desperate, just like raindrops that hit the umbrella. hard and desperate.

you asked me why.
i said because i ain't you.

Sendiri

2010-08-01T15:47:00.008-04:00

(picture via tumblr)

Bila kita punya pilihan, terus kita jadi keliru.

walau dalam hati, diam aku tahu pilihan yang satu itulah pilihan yang tepat,yang tidak akan pernah ada ganti. Choices, may not leave you confuse but a sign to tell which one is better. Lain orang lain cara.

Tapi aku suka cara kamu.

Perasaan kalau mahu diterjemah secara zahir memang payah, atau mungkin itu cuma aku. Expressive itu hilang. Atau ada, tapi invisible tak diterjemah. 90% ketidakekspersi itu membawa masalah. Sayang tapi cuma stuck dalam hati.

so, i basically spent the whole night sinking into deep sleep, now that i wide awake at 3am. there's a party in my head but no one's invited. i want to get high alone. sometimes company isn't needed, at least at times like this. sendiri mungkin lebih baik.

terus terang malam ini, aku percaya dia lelaki hebat. Cubalah jatuh cinta dengan dia, pasti kamu rasa apa yang aku rasa.

and this time, the air is very refreshing too.

thank you love.

Terpesona

2010-07-31T11:45:00.001-04:00

Semalam jalan-jalan nak cari tali kasut je. Tapi jumpa fold over cuff sandals yang macam seksi dan cool gila. Jadi perempuan memang best pun. Haha, tiba-tiba je.

Okaylah, selamat hari sabtu.

Seduction.

2010-07-30T07:30:00.002-04:00

Tiap hari saya disapa dia.

Hari ini, saya percaya setiap satu perkara yang dibuat, pasti ada sebab. People do things for reasons. Dalam hidup, i make plans. Tapi saya tahu, even a well-planned plan means nothing without his will. Mungkin kadang kala kita perlu lebih spontan. Sebabnya, bila yang terjadi tak seperti yang dirancang, we'll be upset.

Sejak kebelakangan, i've been to different places each day. Cuba saya letakkan diri saya dalam setiap satu kehidupan lain, and i don't know if i can live the day, the same as they did. Kawan-kawan, walau jauh, tetap orang yang sama, masih rapat dihati. Terima kasih kerana menerima surprise kedatangan dengan hati yang terbuka. Haha,well you-know-who-you-are.

Perasaan saya sedang hebat diuji. Dulu, tiap hari saya disapa dia. Sekarang saya rasa lebih tenang dan bahagia tanpanya. Ini bukan tentang siapa-siapa, ini cuma tentang saya dan dia. Harapnya, tuhan tetapkan hati saya untuk menjauh.

Ruang Kedua

2010-07-24T12:20:00.001-04:00

People, who gossip with you, will eventually gossip about you. Proven few times.
and
Please give me a reason to fall in love, cause i think i forget how.

Perempuan Biasa

2010-07-20T04:28:00.004-04:00

Cumanya, aku seorang perempuan biasa. Yang tak punya apa2 istimewa.

Terimalah aku seadanya.Bahagiakanlah aku dengan kasih sayang tulus ikhlas,

datang dari hati.

Bidadari

2010-07-16T21:30:00.000-04:00

Hai.

Saya berbaju kurung merah jambu hari ini.

Banyak sebenarnya yang mahu ditulis di sini, tapi buat masa ini, biarlah segala disimpan dalam hati.I'm lost in words for a moment.

Hello bestfriend, minggu depan i'll see you. I'm so happy now that i have my pretty babes around, again.Cepatlah come over my house so we can stay up till dawn, talking. I miss having everyone around.

Selamat berhujung minggu semuanya!

You steal my heart again.

2010-07-14T05:35:00.003-04:00

I love you.